My Mental State

Today has been quite the day for me, but not. More of a day or revelation than anything eventful you could say.

I woke up and laid in bed for hours. When I finally crawled out and put on my clothes it was already about 1:00. When I walked out to my car to pick up my paycheck it was raining, and I was wearing my new leather flats. You think I would be slightly upset considering it was cold and raining and my new shoes were on the verge or ruin. No.

I picked up my paycheck, then went to the bank to cash it. There was a big truck with a trailer blocking the way, and I got in and realized that I forgot my account number. No worries. I still got it cashed.

Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up some Christmas lights and tape. So they didn't have any lights in the color I wanted, and I ran into an old friend that I made myself a fool in from of in the past.

When I was there a friend texted me and asked me if I was available. I was supposed to have finished her birthday present, but I hadn't.

When she came over she suggested we visit a friend that I have blown off continuously because I've been too cold and tired or busy.

Another friend texted me and told me that since he flew to Colorado on his vacation instead of driving, we wouldn't be able to see each other.

The whole time it is raining and drizzly and grey. You would think I would be in a bad mood. NEVER!!!

The whole time I was ecstatic. I didn't get a sleep in headache. The rain seemed to shrink to a drizzle when I had to walk outside. My friend was working and complimented my new shoes. My paycheck was bigger than expected, with a holiday fix for Thanksgiving (which we all had off) that I had forgotten about. The bank was able to deposit my check. White Christmas lights are just as good as yellow or orange. I had a nice chat with the friend I ran into. I went and visited the friend I had blown off with the friend I haven't finished the present for. I have had a good day. I have plans tonight with friends.

It's funny that just the general way you look at things really effects your day. Instead of fretting about the fact that I won't be going home for Christmas, I decided that I'm going to dress the place up. Instead of being bummed that my two best friends have these guys that completely adore them and I don't, I'm very much excited that they are so happy. Instead of being upset at the fact that my trip to Thailand is canceled because my brother and sister-in-law aren't going to be there anymore, I'm glad that I'll be an aunt again, and that little Magnus will have a cousin around his age to play with. I'm happy.

It makes me wonder why I beat myself up about stupid boys and stressful situations in life. No matter how stressed, no matter how annoyed, no matter how abused, no matter how much I am taken advantage of, there is always something good in there. If not in that specific situation, then there's something good somewhere else that makes the worries shrink to their real size.

Fretting and griping and moaning and complaining and stressing may be fun at times, and well worth the let go, but why really bother when there's reason to be in high spirits?

Tempus Fugit

Usually tempus fugit is translated as "time flies", but the direct translation is "time flees". I like that better. Or at least it seems to fit my life right now.

I feel like recently time hasn't flown by. I feel like it flees from me. It finds the first opportunity and just takes off as fast as it can. It has it's own life and deals with it better than I.

I'm just 23, but what have I been doing these last 23 years? I used to be so happy and so free. Now I go day to day doing the same things over and over again. I need to finish school. I need to write. I need to date. I need to start doing the things I have been dreaming of all my life. I'm in the day to day. I'm in a rut.

I had a bit of a breakdown today. It seems to be a regular Thursday occurrence these weeks. A car almost hit me (which is good because if I hadn't gone into the intersection they would have had the near miss with the pedestrian on my other side), and I just cracked. I yelled at my steering wheel, cried a bit, parked my car, walked into my room, dropped my bags and fell face first into my bed... Then my phone rang. I knew who it was before I looked. It was my best friend, the perfect person to call. It was great. I got to let it all out. Then she told me that the guy she is dating is going home with her for Christmas. I was so happy for her that is completely changed my mood and made me laugh and smile. I couldn't be happier for her right now. She is happy, and she is being treated like a queen like she deserves.

That made me think though. What choices have we made that have brought us down the paths where we are? I am here sustaining life, while she has a nine to five, is happy, surrounded by friends, and being adored. I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I'd say more often than not I am very happy, but in general... am I? What makes a person happy?

I went to a class for one of my best friends once and we touched on that exact question. There are studies that have been done that show that a person's happiness depends on their family, friends, surroundings, job, and love. I guess family and friends could really be grouped into the love category, but let's face it, everybody thinks of love as the romantic love between a man and a woman.
After reviewing those, it's no wonder I'm not as happy as I think I should be. Pretty much all the categories could use a little tweak.

So that brings us back to the question of what took me here? What took my best friend where she is? I can see a few things where I could have done something different, but that wouldn't have changed everything. Also, while I was there making those decisions I had no idea what would happen. Did I know that five years down the road I would be looking back on them and wondering? No, of course not.

I guess while living life you never really know where your decisions will take you. But isn't that part of the beauty of it? You live and have these decisions to make. You always make up a decision in the end, but where it takes you is a mystery.

I want to take myself somewhere else.

My Orchid

I have come to realize that my orchid likes the bathroom just as much as I do... maybe even more.


Since I live in a basement, it is usually pretty cold down here. Well, at least it is colder than outside or the house above me. I even found myself turning on the heater every once in a while just so I wouldn't have to wander around the place in a blanket. I soon realized that the orchid I got last Saturday didn't like the cold either, and though they like indirect sunlight, I don't think mine was getting much of any. That's when I decided to move it into the bathroom.


Now my orchid had three lovely flowers on it. Above you can see two of the preexisting ones. There were also three buds on it. Two were pretty decent sized, and the third was just a tiny thing. I got scared and realized my plant needed some help when I realized that the tiniest bud had started to shrivel. The flowers were still beautiful, but I was afraid it was dying.


I sat the flower by my side a few nights ago trying to figure out what to do with it. Then I realized that the bathroom was the brightest place in the basement... though still not full of sunlight by any means. It was always warmer in there. I take baths constantly, so it is always humid, and the white walls make for great reflected light. I took a chance and moved it into the bathroom that night. The next day I took close watch on it, but saw no difference in the baby bud. I kept watch over it all day. The next morning when I woke up the biggest bud had opened, and one or two days later it is the flower at the top of this picture.


I was so excited. Seriously smiling all day about my new bloom. So I decided to make something to hold the flower to the stick that props it up. My friends have little hair clips on their flowers and plants, but I couldn't find any I liked. That's when I got the idea to make little wire people to fasten it. That's where these little guys come in.


I had originally planned to have this one sitting on the root, but I decided against it when I realized the root wasn't that strong. So I moved him from his sitting position to his reclining position. Hence the feeling that he has a bit of a belly ache when you look at him.


These little guys were the first to get made. I thought I would give them a bit more support by adding a "rope" between them. I love how they all have such personality. You can really see it when you look at them in person.


I figured they had to be climbing for something, so I decided to put a flower at the top. It reminds me of the long tedious searches for the ghost or phantom orchids that some people go through.

Anyway, I'm way excited that my orchid is actually showing signs of growth. Hey, if I don't have a roommate and I can't have a pet, I think a plant is definitely a good substitute. Especially one so hearty and beautiful as an orchid.

The Basement

I just thought I'd put an actual picture of me in the apartment... where I'm not in a mirror.


This is the house where I live. My lovely car is the in the driveway. I'm sure you can't see it, but is has Cheers written in the front window. In Provo, and in a student ward, every house has a name. This house was named Cheers who knows how long ago. I don't know why, but there is something slightly romantic about living in the basement of a house named Cheers... in Provo of all places.


This would be a picture of the stairs leading down to my abode. If you look closely you can see that the top two and a half steps are slightly whiter than the rest... That would be the work or my handy sidewalk chalk... and the fact that it isn't done is because my hand started hurting. Oh well.


This would be the view you get when you turn right after you step into the basement. I'm thinking that this side of the living room needs some help... a lot of help. Yes I did put my dishes on the table for the picture. I think it helped it a little bit. I have no idea what to do with the wall. If I had enough books that would be it. I would be happy. Books are so beautiful and pleasing in every way. But alas I don't have enough books. I'm getting some material at the end of the week. It is old fashioned looking yellow curtain material. I'm going to make a table runner and a couple of pillows with it. Maybe place mats?


This would be the only good thing about that side of the room. It is my craft/sewing "corner". I like how it turned out to be so green. Half of that was by accident actually.


This would be the view you get when you turn right after you walk through the door. This is really where I live. Who spends time in their bedroom when you live in a basement and have a living room to yourself? Yes I covered the couches, and you can see what they used to look like... obviously.


This would be the red couch. I thought it was a little iffy putting a different red and pink "art" up beside it, but I think it works. I'm also thinking the yellow pillows will actually look good on that couch. Hmmm...

The green couch. I'm thinking maybe a little Christmasy with the red and the green, but there is enough other color around and will be more when the yellow comes that I think I can live with it.



This would be almost one of my favorite views in the place. Something is just pleasing about opening the door and seeing the little shelf full of scents and the pretty red shower curtain. I kinda wish the shower mat was an India blue like the pillow on the red couch, but I'm not complaining.


Now with the bathroom door closed. Yesterday I decided that my walls were a little too bare, and noticed I had some cool tissue paper. I got out the scissors, a big cardboard box, my glue stick, some masking tape and had at it. That is where all of the "wall hangings" came from.


A quick peek in the bathroom. The window usually isn't opened. There is something so bright and inviting in this bathroom that I just love. I've only been living here a week and a half, and I have already taken three baths in this tub. Mmmmmm...


This is the view from my bedroom door out into the hallway. Behind that door is the place I call the dungeon, or the oubliette. It is actually just a dark storage room with the water heater and junk in it. Yes that is me int he mirror or course.


My room. These rooms are really for two people. The apartment is actually meant for four people. I just got lucky this summer. I really hope nobody else moves in. There are really a lot of downsides living here, and I can't imagine having to deal with a lot of people along with those downsides. Especially in light of my last roommate experience and not having to deal with those downsides.


Now for a view of the downsides. The kitchen. I love it. It is just my height. I am five feet tall, and I could jump and hit my head on the ceiling. Last week the management just got a new micro. There is no garbage disposal or dishwasher, and all the counter space is what you see... less than a foot in depth. This angle actually makes it look bigger than it is.


This wound be the other side of the kitchen. The lovely gas stove and the fridge that has an icebox for a freezer. It's quaint. I love it. I don't want to share it with other people. Oh, and I'm also working on a little something out of cut out paper and such to put over the stove. Haha, I just realized how dangerous that sounds. Oh well.

So that was the tour of the basement. I haven't lived alone since my first semester of Freshman year. It makes me realize how much free time I have, and how needy roommates actually are. If you have any ideas for spicing the place up a bit more, let me know. Of course it needs to be incredibly cheap or free.

Bleagch the day

Today has probably been one of the crappiest days I've had for a while. I've managed to have a good attitude and be in a good mood for the past week or so despite certain things that would usually be bringing me down. Today however, I woke up and knew it would not be one of the best.

For starters, I went to bed very late and in a somewhat bad mood. I woke up five hours later to a phone call asking me if I would move my car out of the driveway so people could get out. I tried to go back to bed and I just kept tossing and turning till about 11 frozen and SO not wanting to get up. My mind was racing and regretting the things that I needed to do.

The main thing on my mind was a guy... or course. Though what I was realizing about the guy made the thoughts not as wonderful as could be expected when thinking about guys. You see, I have found myself in an awkward situation. I have fallen for a guy that I have come to realize is using me for a Mormonized Booty Call relationship. He calls me and tells me he has a movie or asks if I want to hang out. I see him, then I don't see or hear from him for a few days until the next encounter. I'll call him on occasion, but it is rare that he will talk to me on the phone before ten at night.

I tried to talk myself out of realizing what it was. I told myself that a guy that doesn't like me wouldn't call me and talk to me on the phone for half an our without meeting up. That when we are together we talk and laugh and such. That the relationship isn't all physical, so that can't be it.

Well boys and girls, I have at my disposal a booty call where both parties like each other, but one of the parties happens to like someone else more, and won't let it grow into anything else with the booty call partner.

All morning I was thinking about it and decided that I am so much better than that. I need a guy that will take me out on dates. I need a guy that will talk to me in the middle of the day. I need a guy that will treat me like his number one and respect me for me. I deserve that, and I deserve way better than what I have.

So I got ready for work. I ate my breakfast, packed a lunch, and was off. I couldn't stop thinking about the decision I had made to give this guy an ultimatum. When I was wandering around folding clothes, one of the managers walked in and asked me if I was okay. Not the right question to ask a girl who knows what the answer will be to the ultimatum she is about to give the guy she likes. I said I was fine, but just about broke down and cried. She told me that if I needed any time to myself that I could just go into the back and let her know so she could cover the floor.

I felt like such a wimpy girl. I didn't used to be the kind of girl that would cry over stupid little things like this. After she left I turned around and let a tear fall when I was "rearranging the hangers." It was just one tear, but it was enough for me to realize that this really is what I need. I'm 22 and I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years. In my whole life of dating, I have only had one second date, and that was as far as it got. I need a boyfriend and not a booty call. If it is him, then that would be great, but if it is someone else (which I pretty much know it will be) I need to break this off and go find him and stop wasting my time.

I know this sounds dumb, but when it is cold and drizzly outside, and when you are thinking about things like that, then everything else seems to be so much worse, and like the world is against you. When I was on break that manager told me that they are interviewing for Stock Supervisor. I said I would like to have an interview and she seemed to wonder why I didn't know they were hiring. That made me wonder. Bad idea. I am a good employee and I should realize that and not think that there are reasons for me not having been told about this. Anyway, I scheduled an interview, so that was at least one good thing.

Then when I was putting up hangers I hit my head really hard on the faux stone counter. Yeah it hurt. It felt like just another thing going wrong, and I let another tear fall. Just one again. Then I went on my way and started folding things. A few minutes later it was still hurting, so I felt it to see how big it was. When I looked at my fingers I saw blood on them and I just had to laugh... then go get stuff from the first aide kit to clean myself up.

They let me off an hour early because it was so slow at work, and I was counting the minutes until I got off. Right when I got back I scrubbed the tub and started drawing a bath. I got out a book, made some tea, got out some oreos and soaked for about an hour. It was what I needed. My day isn't better, but that hour was grand, warm, delicious, and just for me.

Once again I am freezing in my living room with a blanket around me and a scab and a bump on my head, reading a book, playing around on the computer, and telling myself that I'm not checking my phone every two minutes. I called him yesterday around this time. Chances are that if he calls it will be late. But chances are he won't call tonight, and I will have to go through another day of convincing myself that this is what I need and deserve. Then tomorrow night when he calls and wants to hang out I will buckle under the pressure of boredom and loneliness and let him come over without talking to him about any of this. Then I will remember that I deserve more and go through the same cycle once again... until he breaks it off instead of me and I'm crushed even more than I would be if I had brought it up the first time.

All is not fair in love and war. I deserve a good night.

This is me, your lovely blogger. I think this picture is great because the sun is going through my hair and there are rainbows coming off of me. Emily took this picture of me when I was taking pictures of her and Susan around campus in their cap and gowns the day before graduation so they didn't have to wait in lines.


I would like to introduce you to my dear friend Emily. I like to call her Memly for some strange reason. She's awesome. She just helped me find the cute little picture box int he corner of the screen to add pictures. She's a genius I tell you GENIUS! Oh yeah, and I'm a little slow. Look at that foxy lady. She took this during a Valentine's Day Dance that we all went to. It was pretty much amazing... just like right now.

She is showing me her power stance with the air guitar that Susan gave her for graduation. WOW. let me just tell you that everybody will really enjoy the show. Now if only I had my video camera. Darn.

Hehe. I don't move out until Tuesday, and Emily is staying in her place this summer. Susan and Melissa are packing their stuff for the summer. Anyway, Emily came over to watch a movie. Actually we watched Drop Dead Gorgeous. It's pretty much the best movie ever made... and very quotable. Along with the movie, Susan gave Emily a blow up guitar for graduation. THAT is what Emily is rocking out on right now. That's right, we are way fun... and Emily has found her calling. She was born to be a rocker. Perhaps later in time we will have video or pictures of Emily in her setting of her true calling as a rocker. SWEET!!!

Wrong and a little creeped

So I was wrong about who the "stalker" is. I thought I recognized him from the ward function, but apparently it is just from..... around.

Last night I went out with an old friend of mine. He's a great guy and one of the friends I used to hang out with in high school pretty much every weekend. Anyway, right before we left a friend of mine knocked on the door asking if we wanted to go play tennis. So when we walked down the stairs she was still walking around asking people. There was a guy walking around too. The same guy that was on my steps the night before at 2:30 am or so. At first I thought that maybe he was with the girl wandering around because he was kinda walking around her. Then I noticed a pile of books and things on my steps. I asked my old friend if they were his. I knew they weren't the girl's, and I knew that they didn't belong to anybody in the apartment.

When Isaac and I got to the car, the guy who we thought might have been with Adriane left. He walked right down the street and away from the complex. I talked to Isaac about it when we got in the car. He said that he was hanging around when he got there, and that he recognized him. In other words, he was definitely hanging around and making it obvious he was there, but not talking to people. AND that it is not who I thought it might have been. I have a sneaking suspicion that I DO know who it is though, and he could very well be reading this.

Isaac seemed to think it was weird and kinda creepy. I talked to my buck on the phone when I was coming back from dinner and bowling, and he thought it was a little weird too, but I had to go and didn't get his full reaction. Then when I called him back we didn't really talk about it. I dunno. My roommates think it's a little weird and have been making sure the door was locked even more now. Though one of them has always been an avid door locker, this has kicked them into strict door locking mode.

Sometimes it can be kinda flattering to have a guy hanging around I guess... but at 2:30 in the morning?

Stalking... a sport or an all American past time?

First off I would like to say that I've been looking for a place to live spring/summer. I'm getting kicked out of this place because the owner is moving in for a month or so... plus it's too expensive for me anyway. Anyway, the apartment hunt is going a little better. I think I may have found a place that is still in this ward. I would really like to stay in this ward. I like the people and I just started to get to know them. Why stop a good thing right?

Anyway, onto the blog. Or in the words of my dear stalker, unto the blog. So lately I've kinda been developing this thing with a guy that all started with a joke about stalking. We met on the street outside my place and he told us to go to his hockey game. We went but we didn't talk to him. My dearest friend Emily added him as a friend on facebook so I figured why not. Anyway, months later he decided to say hi and we talked on facebook a lot. Which is funny because he lives like three blocks away and walks by my place at least twice a day.

So we had this joke going about me stalking him, then teaching him the ways and him stalking me. We'd go to each others homes and miss each other and leave notes... sometimes inside the house when no one was home. We know each other in real life now and actually talk to each other on the phone and hang out and such, but it was a little ironic that I was talking to him on the phone last night at about 2:30 in the morning when reason to believe we actually do have a bit of a stalker.

First let me tell you a little about where we live. It is a little condo. There are six of them and we are in the back upper corner and can look over a well used school parking lot, have a view of the backside of campus, and have a nice view of the hill most people use while walking onto campus from the south side. This gives us prime views of the lives going on around us. You'd be surprised to see the things we see out these windows. Especially me considering I really sit here for the majority of the day. I'll really miss this place when I leave in about a week.

The thing is that it doesn't just give us prime viewage, but it give people a WIDE variety of places to stop and look into our window. Anyway, our stairs have just been redone and you can pretty much always tell when people are walking up and down them. They tend to shake a bit, and are a little loud. So when I was talking to my buck really late I heard someone coming up and down the stairs repeatedly. I thought it might be him, so I asked and he said no and that it was kinda weird. Then I figured I catch the kid in action... whoever it may be. Which in theory sounded great, but could have been bad. Which I realized later.

I opened the door and saw a guy running down the stairs. I opened it when he was halfway down and I think I scared him cause he looked over really fast and ran off. I caught a glimpse of his face and it looked vaguely familiar. I looked in our ward directory and I think it is a guy that my roommate Susan and I met last week at a bonfire. I then realized that I have been seeing his face a lot lately... but never talked to him. I then realized that it has been around our apartment and the parking lot and such. Like in the weirdest places. After seeing the look on his face at 2:30 in the morning and not having anything left on the front porch or anything... I think one of us may have a bit of a stalker. I'm slightly weirded out. I dunno. Anyway, I have to get ready for work at 2, so I gotta run.

Carpe Diem

Well, considering this is my first official post as the blogger of... this blog, I thought I would just do a quickie about the name of the blog and the blog itself... errr whatever.

I chose carpe diem for a couple of reasons. First off, it is a fond memory I have with my sister. It is probably best if I don't relay the story. I tend to be a little long with my stories and usually others don't find them as fun or interesting as I do. All you need to know is that it is a happy memory I have with Teal. It wasn't the best, and she may not even remember it, but to me it represents the wonderful times we have spent together.

Bleagch, enough with the sentiment I know. Another reason I went for carpe diem is because of the obvious straightforward meaning, seize the day. As most of us know, it is Latin.... for seize the day. Yes this is a personal blog. I may blog about my feelings. I may blog about what new fun thing I found and learned to make. I may blog about the book that I just read. Whatever it may be, it will be of the day... seizing what I can from it.

With that having been said, I know nobody will really read this, at least not till I tell people about it I'm sure. That will give me time to figure out how to add pictures and such. Haha... perhaps add a profile. Who know what tomorrow or the next days will bring. Goodnight, I have a book to read, food to eat, a journal to write in and a bed to sleep in. It's 12:55 and the night is packed. Meh. Night.