My Mental State

Today has been quite the day for me, but not. More of a day or revelation than anything eventful you could say.

I woke up and laid in bed for hours. When I finally crawled out and put on my clothes it was already about 1:00. When I walked out to my car to pick up my paycheck it was raining, and I was wearing my new leather flats. You think I would be slightly upset considering it was cold and raining and my new shoes were on the verge or ruin. No.

I picked up my paycheck, then went to the bank to cash it. There was a big truck with a trailer blocking the way, and I got in and realized that I forgot my account number. No worries. I still got it cashed.

Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up some Christmas lights and tape. So they didn't have any lights in the color I wanted, and I ran into an old friend that I made myself a fool in from of in the past.

When I was there a friend texted me and asked me if I was available. I was supposed to have finished her birthday present, but I hadn't.

When she came over she suggested we visit a friend that I have blown off continuously because I've been too cold and tired or busy.

Another friend texted me and told me that since he flew to Colorado on his vacation instead of driving, we wouldn't be able to see each other.

The whole time it is raining and drizzly and grey. You would think I would be in a bad mood. NEVER!!!

The whole time I was ecstatic. I didn't get a sleep in headache. The rain seemed to shrink to a drizzle when I had to walk outside. My friend was working and complimented my new shoes. My paycheck was bigger than expected, with a holiday fix for Thanksgiving (which we all had off) that I had forgotten about. The bank was able to deposit my check. White Christmas lights are just as good as yellow or orange. I had a nice chat with the friend I ran into. I went and visited the friend I had blown off with the friend I haven't finished the present for. I have had a good day. I have plans tonight with friends.

It's funny that just the general way you look at things really effects your day. Instead of fretting about the fact that I won't be going home for Christmas, I decided that I'm going to dress the place up. Instead of being bummed that my two best friends have these guys that completely adore them and I don't, I'm very much excited that they are so happy. Instead of being upset at the fact that my trip to Thailand is canceled because my brother and sister-in-law aren't going to be there anymore, I'm glad that I'll be an aunt again, and that little Magnus will have a cousin around his age to play with. I'm happy.

It makes me wonder why I beat myself up about stupid boys and stressful situations in life. No matter how stressed, no matter how annoyed, no matter how abused, no matter how much I am taken advantage of, there is always something good in there. If not in that specific situation, then there's something good somewhere else that makes the worries shrink to their real size.

Fretting and griping and moaning and complaining and stressing may be fun at times, and well worth the let go, but why really bother when there's reason to be in high spirits?

Tempus Fugit

Usually tempus fugit is translated as "time flies", but the direct translation is "time flees". I like that better. Or at least it seems to fit my life right now.

I feel like recently time hasn't flown by. I feel like it flees from me. It finds the first opportunity and just takes off as fast as it can. It has it's own life and deals with it better than I.

I'm just 23, but what have I been doing these last 23 years? I used to be so happy and so free. Now I go day to day doing the same things over and over again. I need to finish school. I need to write. I need to date. I need to start doing the things I have been dreaming of all my life. I'm in the day to day. I'm in a rut.

I had a bit of a breakdown today. It seems to be a regular Thursday occurrence these weeks. A car almost hit me (which is good because if I hadn't gone into the intersection they would have had the near miss with the pedestrian on my other side), and I just cracked. I yelled at my steering wheel, cried a bit, parked my car, walked into my room, dropped my bags and fell face first into my bed... Then my phone rang. I knew who it was before I looked. It was my best friend, the perfect person to call. It was great. I got to let it all out. Then she told me that the guy she is dating is going home with her for Christmas. I was so happy for her that is completely changed my mood and made me laugh and smile. I couldn't be happier for her right now. She is happy, and she is being treated like a queen like she deserves.

That made me think though. What choices have we made that have brought us down the paths where we are? I am here sustaining life, while she has a nine to five, is happy, surrounded by friends, and being adored. I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I'd say more often than not I am very happy, but in general... am I? What makes a person happy?

I went to a class for one of my best friends once and we touched on that exact question. There are studies that have been done that show that a person's happiness depends on their family, friends, surroundings, job, and love. I guess family and friends could really be grouped into the love category, but let's face it, everybody thinks of love as the romantic love between a man and a woman.
After reviewing those, it's no wonder I'm not as happy as I think I should be. Pretty much all the categories could use a little tweak.

So that brings us back to the question of what took me here? What took my best friend where she is? I can see a few things where I could have done something different, but that wouldn't have changed everything. Also, while I was there making those decisions I had no idea what would happen. Did I know that five years down the road I would be looking back on them and wondering? No, of course not.

I guess while living life you never really know where your decisions will take you. But isn't that part of the beauty of it? You live and have these decisions to make. You always make up a decision in the end, but where it takes you is a mystery.

I want to take myself somewhere else.