Tempus Fugit

Usually tempus fugit is translated as "time flies", but the direct translation is "time flees". I like that better. Or at least it seems to fit my life right now.

I feel like recently time hasn't flown by. I feel like it flees from me. It finds the first opportunity and just takes off as fast as it can. It has it's own life and deals with it better than I.

I'm just 23, but what have I been doing these last 23 years? I used to be so happy and so free. Now I go day to day doing the same things over and over again. I need to finish school. I need to write. I need to date. I need to start doing the things I have been dreaming of all my life. I'm in the day to day. I'm in a rut.

I had a bit of a breakdown today. It seems to be a regular Thursday occurrence these weeks. A car almost hit me (which is good because if I hadn't gone into the intersection they would have had the near miss with the pedestrian on my other side), and I just cracked. I yelled at my steering wheel, cried a bit, parked my car, walked into my room, dropped my bags and fell face first into my bed... Then my phone rang. I knew who it was before I looked. It was my best friend, the perfect person to call. It was great. I got to let it all out. Then she told me that the guy she is dating is going home with her for Christmas. I was so happy for her that is completely changed my mood and made me laugh and smile. I couldn't be happier for her right now. She is happy, and she is being treated like a queen like she deserves.

That made me think though. What choices have we made that have brought us down the paths where we are? I am here sustaining life, while she has a nine to five, is happy, surrounded by friends, and being adored. I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I'd say more often than not I am very happy, but in general... am I? What makes a person happy?

I went to a class for one of my best friends once and we touched on that exact question. There are studies that have been done that show that a person's happiness depends on their family, friends, surroundings, job, and love. I guess family and friends could really be grouped into the love category, but let's face it, everybody thinks of love as the romantic love between a man and a woman.
After reviewing those, it's no wonder I'm not as happy as I think I should be. Pretty much all the categories could use a little tweak.

So that brings us back to the question of what took me here? What took my best friend where she is? I can see a few things where I could have done something different, but that wouldn't have changed everything. Also, while I was there making those decisions I had no idea what would happen. Did I know that five years down the road I would be looking back on them and wondering? No, of course not.

I guess while living life you never really know where your decisions will take you. But isn't that part of the beauty of it? You live and have these decisions to make. You always make up a decision in the end, but where it takes you is a mystery.

I want to take myself somewhere else.