Today has probably been one of the crappiest days I've had for a while. I've managed to have a good attitude and be in a good mood for the past week or so despite certain things that would usually be bringing me down. Today however, I woke up and knew it would not be one of the best.
For starters, I went to bed very late and in a somewhat bad mood. I woke up five hours later to a phone call asking me if I would move my car out of the driveway so people could get out. I tried to go back to bed and I just kept tossing and turning till about 11 frozen and SO not wanting to get up. My mind was racing and regretting the things that I needed to do.
The main thing on my mind was a guy... or course. Though what I was realizing about the guy made the thoughts not as wonderful as could be expected when thinking about guys. You see, I have found myself in an awkward situation. I have fallen for a guy that I have come to realize is using me for a Mormonized Booty Call relationship. He calls me and tells me he has a movie or asks if I want to hang out. I see him, then I don't see or hear from him for a few days until the next encounter. I'll call him on occasion, but it is rare that he will talk to me on the phone before ten at night.
I tried to talk myself out of realizing what it was. I told myself that a guy that doesn't like me wouldn't call me and talk to me on the phone for half an our without meeting up. That when we are together we talk and laugh and such. That the relationship isn't all physical, so that can't be it.
Well boys and girls, I have at my disposal a booty call where both parties like each other, but one of the parties happens to like someone else more, and won't let it grow into anything else with the booty call partner.
All morning I was thinking about it and decided that I am so much better than that. I need a guy that will take me out on dates. I need a guy that will talk to me in the middle of the day. I need a guy that will treat me like his number one and respect me for me. I deserve that, and I deserve way better than what I have.
So I got ready for work. I ate my breakfast, packed a lunch, and was off. I couldn't stop thinking about the decision I had made to give this guy an ultimatum. When I was wandering around folding clothes, one of the managers walked in and asked me if I was okay. Not the right question to ask a girl who knows what the answer will be to the ultimatum she is about to give the guy she likes. I said I was fine, but just about broke down and cried. She told me that if I needed any time to myself that I could just go into the back and let her know so she could cover the floor.
I felt like such a wimpy girl. I didn't used to be the kind of girl that would cry over stupid little things like this. After she left I turned around and let a tear fall when I was "rearranging the hangers." It was just one tear, but it was enough for me to realize that this really is what I need. I'm 22 and I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years. In my whole life of dating, I have only had one second date, and that was as far as it got. I need a boyfriend and not a booty call. If it is him, then that would be great, but if it is someone else (which I pretty much know it will be) I need to break this off and go find him and stop wasting my time.
I know this sounds dumb, but when it is cold and drizzly outside, and when you are thinking about things like that, then everything else seems to be so much worse, and like the world is against you. When I was on break that manager told me that they are interviewing for Stock Supervisor. I said I would like to have an interview and she seemed to wonder why I didn't know they were hiring. That made me wonder. Bad idea. I am a good employee and I should realize that and not think that there are reasons for me not having been told about this. Anyway, I scheduled an interview, so that was at least one good thing.
Then when I was putting up hangers I hit my head really hard on the faux stone counter. Yeah it hurt. It felt like just another thing going wrong, and I let another tear fall. Just one again. Then I went on my way and started folding things. A few minutes later it was still hurting, so I felt it to see how big it was. When I looked at my fingers I saw blood on them and I just had to laugh... then go get stuff from the first aide kit to clean myself up.
They let me off an hour early because it was so slow at work, and I was counting the minutes until I got off. Right when I got back I scrubbed the tub and started drawing a bath. I got out a book, made some tea, got out some oreos and soaked for about an hour. It was what I needed. My day isn't better, but that hour was grand, warm, delicious, and just for me.
Once again I am freezing in my living room with a blanket around me and a scab and a bump on my head, reading a book, playing around on the computer, and telling myself that I'm not checking my phone every two minutes. I called him yesterday around this time. Chances are that if he calls it will be late. But chances are he won't call tonight, and I will have to go through another day of convincing myself that this is what I need and deserve. Then tomorrow night when he calls and wants to hang out I will buckle under the pressure of boredom and loneliness and let him come over without talking to him about any of this. Then I will remember that I deserve more and go through the same cycle once again... until he breaks it off instead of me and I'm crushed even more than I would be if I had brought it up the first time.
All is not fair in love and war. I deserve a good night.
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